Red Flag District, MA

      I am standing in front of the movie theater smoking a cigarette before my shift begins. The rogue's gallery of Somerville, Massachusetts is deeper than Batman's. Once I saw a man in his 50's hobble by. He stopped, seemed as though he was about to clear his throat, but instead hacked up at least one of his lungs. He spit a bright yellow loogie into the middle of the street, looked down at it, then looked me directly in the eye and said "Faggot!"
     "I once thought living was a science," a co-worker observed when I told him the story. "So I'm amazed when some people perfect it as an art."
      There are life artists as well as artistes who pass by. Once a couple walked by that was just too cool for school. "Why don't you ever take me to the movies?" said the girl to the boy.
"I can't stand contemporary American cinema."
 I bet they have Halloween on Christmas.
     That's a typical day in the neigborhood. If it's not crazy folks, homeless folks, and crazy homeless folks it's hippies and hipsters of all races and genders. So today when a thin woman wearing a white t-shirt and torn blue jeans approaches me, it's something special. I'm looking at my reflection in her aviators when she asks if she can give me a dollar for a cigarette.
"I can just bum you one," she is cute.
"Really? I'll give you a dollar.'
"Nah, take it," I pull a marlboro lite out of my pack and put it in her hand.
"Do you have a lighter?"
"That's five bucks." She laughs at my joke. I tell her my name is Matthew. Her name is "Vivian." I decide early on that I am going to try to leave this conversation with a phone number. We make small-talk. She asks if I work at the theater, I tell her yes. She asks how I like it, I tell her I like it a lot. I ask her where she is from.
"I was born in France."
"You don't have an accent."
"I was just born there, I've lived her since I was two."
"So you can't be president and you don't even get a cool accent as compensation? You got ripped off, lady. Do you work around here?"
"Not really," she says. "I'm a model. Or trying to get into modeling, anyway."
     She looks like a model, only perhaps not as tall as you read about. Although she's short she is slender. Her height is in her legs which curve generously at her hips. "Have you done anything I would know?"
"Probably not, I'm just getting into it," she looks away from me, down at the brick sidewalk. Her neck is long   and lithe. She flips her hair. I know what that means.
"Do you live around here now?"
"I live more near Central Square."
"Oh cool, that's a fun neighborhood," I lie. Central Square is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Pimps and homeless guys, pimps dressed like homeless guys and homeless guys dressed like pimps.
"Yeah, I love it. I'm around Davis Square a lot, though. I'm meeting a friend for lunch at the burger place."
"They have great food," I say stupidly. We continue talking, about the area, about the weather, about cheeseburgers.
Are you going to ask for her number or bullshit about cheeseburgers?
"Well, y'know," I manage, "It was good talking to you, but I have to go to work. If you want you should give me your number and we can hang out some time."
"I'd love that," she responds immediately. "I'm actually really attracted to you."
Sex!
     I am taken aback by her response, only because "I'm really attracted to you" is one of my creepy lines. But I do not intend to squander the goodwill. I tell her that I get out of work at 8:00 and ask her if she would like to get a drink at the Middle East since they have (free) live music. We agree to meet there at 9:00. I am all that is man.
     I walk into work like a commander returning in triumph. "I GOT 'ER NUMBAH! HOW D'YOU LIKE DEM APPLES!?" I proclaim to no one in particular. I am the Good Will Hunting of the Somerville Theatre. Instead of writing proofs for advanced metrics I do Bane impressions, instead of eating hot dogs with Minnie Driver I generally harass my coworkers, and instead of getting hammered with Ben Affleck I talk to the projectionist about how although he has seen thousands of movies hundreds of times the only films he has anything good to say about are Pan's Labyrinth, Darkman, and Speed.
"I told you girls I was irresistible." I announce to the concession stand workers.
"Oh, that's nice, Milliken. Picking girls up on the street," says one of the little sisters. They hate it when I inform them how jealous they are. The male employees are, at least, satisfactorily impressed. It's not easy to get a girl's number or ask a girl out, but you can only do it if you make it look easy. "The last girl you dated was a whore," adds the other concession stand girl, for good measure. Her vitriol pleases me. The salmon hates that the bear can fish.

    I leave work at 8:00 and take the red line to Central Square. It's only three stops but you never know with the T. I was once on a train that killed a guy. Dude took a lawn chair, put it on the tracks, and got crushed by 30 tons of steel going 65 mph. First of all, there's got to be better ways to kill yourself. Second of all, they held my train for almost an hour. Ruined my day. Suicide is a selfish act.
    The train succeeds in not murdering anyone and I am early for my date. I stand outside of the Middle East, smoking. Central and Harvard Square are as dissimilar as brothers can be. Harvard has been the intellectual capitol of the union for centuries. It's why locals attach the moniker "People's Republic" to the city of Cambridge. The people's vanguard is notably absent in Central Square. There are a lot of places in the metropolitan area where you get as much human traffic, but not so many trafficked humans. The congestion of congested people is staggering when you allow yourself to forget how desensitized you are. A toothless old woman with two big gulp cups full of change and dirty napkins is the welcoming party. Her face is haggard. The drugs took her youth, and the elements her middle age. Where Harvard is an ivory tower, Central is a pit.
     Vivian texts me telling me she is going to be about 15 minutes late. I'm cool.
     A grungy man approaches me. Torn bomber jacket, torn blue jeans, looks more like a punk than a bum. He wants a dollar for a cheeseburger. I tell him I have no money, but offer him a cigarette instead. He accepts. He asks me what I'm doing and I tell him I'm meeting a girl but she's late. "Fuckin' women, man," he empathizes. "Can you believe this? My girlfriend, I dated her fifteen years. I lose my job, she kicks me right out of the house. She can't treat me like that. I'm a man!"
"That's crazy, man." I think I have a kind face. Babies stare at me, animals are responsive to me, girls think I'll buy them a drink, and crazy dudes always want to talk to me. I'm familiar with this guy's story before he tells it. There's a lost job, a cruel woman, a move, and certainly a drug.
"You ever do coke, man?"
There it is.
"Uh..."
"Bullshit! I grew up in Saugus. Booze and coke! When I was in high school that's all we did. Booze and coke!"
"Cool, man."
"It was great," he explodes. "You know you can't get real tony anymore?"
"Why's that?"
"Because George Bush. Because George Fucking Bush! They used to refine cocaine with ether. Ether comes from the United States. So the United States would export ether to Colombia legally and they would send back cocaine on the black market. Me and my buddy would drive from Saugus to Revere to get it, go back to his house and be blowing lines till 6 in the morning all paranoid and shit and all 'who's there? WHO'S THERE!?' Gotta do a bump with that ether, dude."
"Sounds fun."
"It was fun!" he insists. "It was fun!"
"So we don't send ether to Colombia anymore?"
"Nah nah nah. Now it's gasoline. From Mexico. That's why I moved to Key West and started shooting up. You know you can't share needles, but did you know you can't re-use your own either?"
"I'll remember that."

Human Binder

     "I thought it was unfair that no matter how hard I worked or how good I was at my job, I was still only paid 72% of what men in my field were earning," America Rodriguez says as she pulls a cigarette out of her pack. She lights it with the burning filter of the one she has just smoked. Rodriguez, 32, a single mother, is one of dozens --perhaps even hundreds-- of Massachusetts women embroiled in the controversy the"Binders Full of Women" project. Rodriguez and the other 22 women filing suit with her, allege that they were deceived by offers of competitive pay and flexible hours."I suppose that's what enticed me, that's why I kept showing up for my callback interviews even though things got progressively stranger." Instead of mom-friendly jobs the plaintiffs say they were subjected to hole-punches and held in binders, against their will, for periods of up to 30 days. 

    

     "I heard about it through a women's group, that's why I thought it was safe," says Cynthia McCallister, 33. That women's group, Massachusetts Government Appointments Project [MassGAP], is a co-defendant along with the state of Massachusetts in the case to be heard before the Massachusetts Supreme Court next month. MassGAP did not respond to requests for a statement but a top official speaking on condition of anonymity told us that beginning in Spring 2002 the Governor's office began a partnership with MassGAP  

 that lasted the remainder of the year.

      

     "Governor Romney called me in April and said 'look, politics in this state are a total sausage-fest. I'm either watching Menino sweat and mumble through his jowls, or I'm sitting at a table with a dozen dudes who look just like him. I look out my window and the college students are running around in their halter-tops and miniskirts... there need to be more women in my workplace!'" As chauvinistic as the statement seems, this same official from MassGAP claims to have recorded every conversation he had with Governor Romney. "And I have copies," he says, "In case they come after me."

     

     According to the MassGAP official, Romney's idea was to have the women interviewed first to make sure they conformed to his traditional ideal of the American family. Once that was confirmed they were invited back for a second and third interview. The Governor then wanted qualified finalists presented to him "in a binder, or something."

     

     "It would have been harmless boys being boys stuff" insists the source, "if it hadn't been for Schopper."

     

     Arnold F. Schopper was born in Vienna, Austria in 1959. He graduated from a prestigious Austrian Prep School, but was expelled from Hanover Medical School in 1984 for suturing a live rat to his girlfriend's shoulder. Saved from a life of destitution by family connections in Massachusetts, he emigrated in 1989 and worked as a headhunter from 1990 - 2002. "We didn't know anything about what happened at Hanover, if we had we certainly would not have turned to this, this, monster."

     

     The plaintiffs' attorney Robert Vaughn says Schopper was given instructions by the Governor's Office as well as MassGAP of what sorts of questions to ask. Other MassGAP officials remember that while Governor Romney was specific about wanting women of a certain lifestyle Schopper obsessed over minutiae such as height, measurements, hair, and eye color. "'They have to be perfect!' he snapped at me once. I was just like, ok, man. You couldn't argue with Schopper, everyone knew he was the best."

     

     "They asked such bizarre questions in the first interview," Shannon O'Rourke, 29, remembers. "First thing he asked me was if I had ever had an abortion. When I said no, he asked if I listened to Huey Lewis and the News. When I said I wasn't really familiar with that, I thought he was going to slap me."

   

    McCallister, too, says that in her first interview she was asked how many men had "taken carnal knowledge of her" and whether she felt she needed a man to be complete "like a proper woman."

     

     "For me it got weird on the second interview," says Rodriguez, "Schopper insisted that I refer to him only as 'Doctor.' He tested my eyesight, my hearing, and even made me open my mouth so he could count my teeth." O'Rourke says the doctor took even more liberties, "at the end of my second interview he smelled my hair. He told me I smelt like cum and sea salt."

     

     After the blatant disregard for personal boundaries, the state has pointed out, it seems shocking that the women continued to show up for their interviews. The consensus among the plaintiffs is clear. "They were offering flexible hours, and $30,000 a year. That job was perfect for me. If I had gotten it, then what I had to go through to get it might not have been so bad. Two weeks of paid vacation AND benefits."

     

     "We just sort of let Schopper run with it. The job candidates were due to be presented to the Governor in July, and the only specific instruction I got from Governor Romney after June was that if I 'sent him a bunch of bull-dykes from Medford' he would 'suck my blood,'" confides the MassGAP source.

    

     "In the third interview the doctor asked me what my last bowel movement was like. When I was in the middle of answering he started humming this creepy nursery rhyme," recollects O'Rourke. 

      

     "He asked me how often I menstruated and what color the blood was. When I told him monthly and red his face dissolved into this flabbergasted expression. Then he sort of sang 'Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, kissed the girl and made her cry," Rodriguez corroborates "It was haunting, I think he might have been crying."

     

    While the first three interviews had taken place at different office settings, all of the plaintiffs were surprised to find their fourth interview scheduled in a home in Brighton.

      

      "At the start of the fourth interview, I noticed a change in the Doctor's demeanor. He was manic, almost giddy when before he had been cold and judgemental," McCallister's speech slows as she ruminates on the horror that later befell her. "He told me 'congratulations, you've got the job.' I was so excited I didn't even think twice when he offered me a glass of wine to celebrate. I woke up surrounded by a hard plastic cover with three metal rings going through my back."

      

      It was the same for Shannon O'Rourke, but America Rodriguez had a different experience.

     

      "I told him that I didn't drink. He was visibly upset, so much so that I almost drank it just to appease him. But then I heard it, the shouting from the basement."

     

     Schopper tried to stop Rodriguez from investigating, but she had already opened the basement door. She was halfway down the stairs when she saw it. "It was full of women." Schopper had surgically attached women to binders that were categorized by body-type and eye color. "I turned to run back up where I had come from, but he was there," she begins to weep, "he told me he would make me beautiful.'"

     

     When Schopper presented his Binders Full of Women to Governor Romney, he was immediately taken into custody by Massachusetts State Police. He is currently serving consecutive life sentences for 23 counts of Kidnapping, Sexual Assault, and Human Centipeding. Mitt Romney's campaign released a statement earlier in the week saying, "it is ludicrous that at a time when the president is murdering American foreign service officers in Libya, you would devote column space to the actions of a lone madman."

       

    Schopper said, for his part "I followed the directives I was given, and improvised along the way. My menagerie was a testament to the sublime cruelty of God. The fruits of my painstaking labor and the value of my meticulous research are beyond the reproach of mortals. Behold my wonders and despair."

      

     As for his victims, they persevere as they must. "I think I'm a stronger person because of what happened to me," says America Rodriguez as she puts out her cigarette. "But I'd still do just about anything to get a 30k job with benefits."

An American Day

With the Presidential Election fast approaching most Americans still identify themselves as "undecided." Many say that they don't know enough about the candidates to make an informed decision. In an effort to rectify this, Willard "Mitt" Romney has released an account of a typical day in his campaign.

5:00 AM: Wakes up, shakes Anne. Gestures toward morning wood.

5:30 AM: Tells Anne to "beat it before people get sick of you." Showers. Shaves twice.

6:00 AM: Hair

7:00 AM: Listens to "Money, Power, Respect" by Nas 5 times.

7:30 AM: Daily Briefing/breakfast with sons and aides. Son asks "where are we going today?" Mitt responds, "which one are you?" It's Tagg. For questioning his father, Mitt demands he do 50 push-ups.

8:00 AM: Daily Bible Verse, something about a guy refusing a stone and another guy making it the cornerstone. Doesn't get it. Pretends to, anyway.

8:30 AM: A Bain Capital aide enters with a large binder. "Governor Romney, we have the new numbers from China and --"
"SHRED IT!" the governor exclaims. "Burn everything!"

9:00 AM: Campaign manager Matt Rhoades gives Mitt the itinerary saying it's crucial they stick to it with precision. Mitt says Mitt does what Mitt wants.

9:15 AM: Into the bus. Mitt asks if its been converted to run on gas instead of diesel. "Dave and Charlie Koch say I have to use gas, never diesel."

9:30 AM: Hair.

10:00 AM: Brunch with seniors. Key talking points include the healthcare overhaul he masterminded in Massachusetts. Claims to have saved Medicare, Medicaid, and Christmas in the state.

10:15 AM: Brunch is cafeteria-style. Cuts in line, "Mitt first! You snooze you lose, old man."

10:30 AM: Bumps into another son. Shouts:
"I changed my mind, I want out of the contract. You can't close my loop!"
Son says "Uh, dad?"
"Never mind, Oh jeez. Which one are you?"
"Craig."
"Craig, haha, that shit Craig. Do 30 sit-ups."

10:45 AM Back in the bus. Hair.

11:15 AM Lunch with the National Rifle Association. Denies ever living in Massachusetts. "Which is better than I can say for Barack Hussein Obama."

11: 30 AM Gets a Turkey Club with no bacon. "Sheldon Adelson says I can't eat bacon."

11:45 AM: Back in the bus.

Noon: Listens to The Carter II in its entirety.

1:00PM: Bain Capital intern enters the buses' office. "Governor Romney, Mr. Chapartya is on the phone in India, he says they're down $2 Million this quarter."
"I don't have time for these natives. Ask Sanjay which he likes better, the color of his own blood or the taste of his own nuts."

1:30 PM: Town Hall Meeting. Talks hypothetically about historical events that he would have done differently/better. "The Dutch bought Manhattan for 26 beads. I think I could have gotten it for 10. Some people just don't believe in this country."

2:00 PM. Campaign meeting. Stuart Stevens says that "Florida looks good, so long as the blacks don't vote."
The rest of the Campaign greets the statement with silence. Mitt rebuffs his chief strategist "African-Americans, Stu. You can't say blacks anymore."

2:15 PM: Poops, like everyone else.

2:30 PM: Hair

3:00 PM: Tells a room full of millionaires that this country needs to go back to the Founding Fathers original intent, where only men who hold land and titles and earn more than $200,000 a year can vote.

3:30 PM: Back in the bus.

3:35 PM:  Important stuff. Definitely not cocaine.

3:45 PM: "Get the fuck out of here, Drudge! No hand-outs!"

4:00 PM: Asks son "which one are you?" It's Paul Ryan. The senator does 100 pushups without being asked.

4:30 PM: Local meet and greet. Female college student says "I have a question, governor --"
"I'll answer but I only sign C-cups or bigger, toots."

 4:45 PM: In improvised remarks Mitt Romney tells the crowd that he wants their feedback. "You yell out the name of a country in the Middle East, and I'll say how many megatons we need to drop on them. I'll murk those clowns. Better than I can say for Barack Stalin O'Castro"

5:00 PM: Meets with the press. Receives question: "Governor Romney, what do you say to those Americans who think you have flip-flopped on some of your stances. Even just today you've made multiple contradictory statements."
"I resent that question. All I have in this world are my word, my balls, and $200 million."

5:15 PM: Cuts press conference short, back in the bus. Hair.

5:45 PM:  Dinner with the Local 95. Insists that Unions give workers rights, although it's usually the right to be lazy  When asked why he shipped so many Union jobs overseas he says "Because I'm just tryna be the great, tryna get a piece of cake. Take it off of your plate, eat it right in your face. That's the American dream, gentlemen."

6:00 PM Asks if Chicken-fried Steak is anything like Lobster and Escargot. It's not.

6:15 PM Back on the bus. Turns to son, "Which one are you?"
"I'm Matt, dad."
"Remember, Mike, you can be whatever you want -- but not as good as me. Now go outside and do up-downs till you puke."

6:30 PM: "Oh shit, did anyone feed the dog this week?"

6:45 PM: Anne wants to know how the day has gone so far. Mitt informs her that men are talking.

7:00 PM: Supper with local church group. "You know my campaign has reminded me of my favorite Bible Verse, when Christ says that the stone which the builder refused would be the new cornerstone it reminded me of how we need to remove politics from the hands of elitist democrats like Bismarck Hitler O'Polpot and put it back in the hands of wise job-creators."

7:30 PM: Back in the bus. Ice Cream with campaign advisers. Tells them that being a man means doing what you want, regardless of what the government tells you.

8:00 PM: Back to the hotel. "Rupert Murdoch says I have to watch 'So You Think You Can Dance.'"

8:30 PM: Mitt Romney: "Nigel Lithgoe is such a dick."
Paul Ryan: "I know. I love him."
Mitt Romney: "Pause."
Paul Ryan: "...No Homo."
Mitt Romney: "..."
Paul Ryan: "...Sir."

9:00 PM: Puts on 'Ready to Die' by the Notorious B.I.G. and goes over the days events.

10:00 PM: Hair.

10:15 PM: Tells everyone to screw. Finally gets to do some pleasure reading. It's a fun book so he won't tell you what it is, but his favorite character is Stannis Baratheon.

10:30 PM: Anne tells him she got the financial statements from "the krauts in Switzerland" like he wanted. Asks how his day was. Mitt tells her to stop being nosy.

11:00 PM Watches the BYU game on DVR. Pokes wife. No response.

Midnight: Deep dreamless sleep.